THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE

Why is it everything at night is more horrible, scary, and awful?

For instance, when my boys were little and would wake in the night with a fever, I was ten times more afraid of their condition than if the same temperature happened at say 10 am.  A fever at 2 am obviously meant meningitis, whereas a similar fever at 10 am meant a cranky baby until the Motrin could kick in.

Even now, when I have a sleepless night, my mind doesn’t wonder towards pleasantries….no, no…not at all!  My mind takes a trip straight past Logic Lane and beelines for Crazy Town.  Case in point: Just two nights ago, I was awake and couldn’t get back to sleep.  After tossing and turning, I finally just sat in bed and let my thoughts wonder.  Every worry and complaint I could think of came to mind. 

I started with complaining…

Gosh I hate my job now!!  I’m alone all day, sitting at a computer, talking to people on the phone who just call to complain!!  I would kill to be working with junior high kids again.  Why can’t I be back in the classroom?  Why can’t I be  working with my friends?  Why do I have to be here?

When I taught, we had good insurance.

When I taught, I could see my boys any time of day.

When I taught, I worked with my friends.

When I taught, there was a guaranteed pay check and no wondering if someone would pay their bill!!

Why I am I here?

Why? Why ? Why? ( I’m a cranky little baby at 2 am…)

And then complaints turned to worry…

What if this? 

What if that? 

What if this AND that happen at the same time?!?! Then what will we do?!?!

After my own little 2 am questioning and complaining session I was able to make one logical conclusion: my life was awful and headed straight for ruin.

I picked up my phone to distract myself.  Clicked on Facebook and scrolled through a while.  This did momentarily get my mind off the fact that I was destined for destruction, but didn’t exactly help the issue.  As we all know, Facebook is where we post our most glorious moments, proud achievements, and brag about how wonderful our life is.  When one is frustrated with the worries and complaints of life at 2 am, scrolling through Facebook only compounds the problem.  You realize with the most certainty that not only will you be dead by morning (my tragedies take me downhill fast…) but while others are dancing at parties and celebrating successes, no one will be attending your impending funeral. 

But the nice thing about my phone is that it also has a Bible app.  When looking for comfort, the Bible rarely disappoints.  My Dad refers to the book of James a lot so, when I opened it the app, I clicked on that book.  It doesn’t take long for the first words of James 1 to sweep over you

“Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Hmm…

And then out of nowhere, I remembered the words of a sermon I’d heard many years ago.  “No matter where you are, this is exactly where God wants you to be.”

God wants me answering the phone for a poop pumping business?  Yes.

God wants us to have worries associated with running a business? Yes.

God wants me dealing with unpleasant customers? Yes.

God wants me to have a kid who struggles in school? Yes.

God wants me to have a strong-willed child that questions and resists any and all authority? Yes.

God wants me to have a husband who never gets a break because he is the owner of this business? Yes.

God wants me to have family/relationship struggles? Yes.

God wants me here, not in the classroom where my passion is working with kids? Yes. 

God wants this or that unresolved issue to not be resolved yet? Yes.

God wants all this that I deem bad, in my life?  Yes.

He wants you here, idiot.  Now quit asking questions and go to sleep.  (The little voice inside my head can get testy when I act like a crybaby…)

This is where I am supposed to be?

This is where I am supposed to be.

 I finally went to sleep and the next day, “this is where I am supposed to be” became my mantra. 

As I was talking to customers, I reminded myself that I have a vested interest in this company and by answering the phone, I am freeing up time for my husband.  I also reminded myself that difficult customers do not represent all of our customers.  They are not the majority.  We have good people we work with every day.

As I was shooting off invoices and feeling lonely because I have no “friends” to work with, I reminded myself that my friends are still around me and thanks to email, texting and Facebook I can have contact with them daily.  And, more importantly, I get to work with my BEST friend, my husband every day.  We get to encourage and console each other with the ups and downs of running a business together.

As I was helping my boys with homework that night, I reminded myself that in my new position, I no longer have grading or planning to do at night so my focus can be devoted to my kids not my own “to do list” for tomorrow.  I also reminded myself that though I don’t get to see them throughout the day, I do get to spend MORE time with them than when I was teaching.  Every day they have off is spent WITH ME!

As I was cooking supper, I reminded myself that we have so much to be thankful for.  We have all of our needs met.  We have a good home, food on the table, and healthy bodies.   We have MANY needs and WANTS met by owning and running this business.  So much is provided to us because of the opportunity to run this business.  And, when you get right down to it, running this business is not only providing a good living for me and my family, but it is teaching me how to be a better person.  It is teaching me how to be kind when I don’t want to be, how to be a better customer to other business owners, and how to TRULY trust in God!

It is easy to complain and worry.  It is easy to overlook all the blessings in life and not realize how blessed we are.  It is easy to forget this just might be the BEST place for you to be right now.

This is where I am supposed to be.

Sleepless nights can’t conquer me.  Worries and complaints about the future, are there to teach me perseverance.  And no matter what, there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for…always.

This is where I am supposed to be. 

And then as if God was trying to make ONE final point with me, this morning on our way to school my son’s memory verse for the week was Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”

This is where I am supposed to be.